White Vintage Rose

"The only thing I really wish for...is to love until I die of love" St. Therese

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We are crushed and we are created.

It has been an awful two weeks, and all I can think is, ‘it’s almost over, it’s almost over.’ I think when I see my family at the end of the week I will probably breakdown, because seeing them is like seeing the finish line up ahead, and maybe soon I will be able to breathe again. 

I miss him. 

He’s not speaking to me, and I don’t really know why. I know why I stopped speaking to him…it was only to give us space, temporarily, to breathe. I don’t know why he stopped speaking to me. We had this huge, stupid fight about going to formal, and he ended up going and I left town. I couldn’t handle it. When I came back, he told me he’d been happy while I was gone, and that if seeing me was going to ruin that, he didn’t want to see me. He didn’t even give me a chance. not a chance. I told him I didn’t want to ruin his happiness I just wanted to see him, to talk to him, to listen…because I had discovered a lot for myself and our situation while I was away, and I wanted to tell him about it. I don’t want to ruin his happiness, and I am still having a hard time reconciling the man I loved with the boy who would say such a cruel thing to me.

I realize that we are both worn out from this semester of back and forth, back and forth, back and forth…and we can no longer be like that, something has to give. I guess it was him. So he says he’s happy, and I haven’t eaten a meal in three weeks. It is better to feel the hunger than the heartache.  and it’s better than falling back into old habits from high school. 

I wish I had listened better to him when he was talking to me. He was trying to tell me to back off, but my fear of losing him forever held tighter than ever, until it pushed him completely away, and I couldn’t hear him.

Much of where I am right now, desolate, defeated, and starving…it is his fault for using me. 

but much of where he is, not talking to me, distancing himself, becoming someone I used to know….that is my fault. 

I knew I was pushing too hard, I even told him I didn’t want that to be my one regret…that I pushed so hard it pushed him away, but I just couldn’t let go…and now he is forcing my hand. his silence is grabbing my wrists and forcing my fingers open. it is also twisting my heart and sinking me to my knees.

and it is killing me. I have been devastated by his choices. but I am more devastated by mine. in the beginning it was about him…giving him what he needed, giving him the room to be free, to find himself. and I was so willing, so willing to love him. so willing to give him everything he needed far above anything I wanted. I was going to marry him, that is what love does, it gives everything. but somewhere along the way my love became selfish and fearful, and until the fear is all I could see.

He would throw me little crumbs of hope, which I would devour and then be devastated when he did not offer more, starving as I was for his love. and then he demanded through his words and actions that I leave the hope behind, because he could not promise anything, and I could not give up the hope, so he became frustrated with me. but all the while I knew better…I knew that from the beginning he asked for freedom and space, and that is what I promised to give him, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t let go.

I wanted so badly to fix everything…but I cannot fix him. I wanted it so badly to be something about me, because me I can fix..me I can deal with, but I can’t fix him. So I pushed and I pushed and I pushed, until it did become about me, all about me….what I want over what he needs. and now, it is my fault, and it is not something I can fix.

I cannot fix silence, I cannot force him to speak. I cannot fix the mountain that is between us, . I cannot fix the way I hurt him. How I long to look in his eyes and tell him how sorry I am. How much of a fool I am. How much I really miss him, and how much I love him…and how I could be ok with the silence and the space if I knew it wasn’t forever, if I knew he would say goodbye…if I knew he didn’t hate me.  

but right now, I think he hates me..and that is my fault. and I have to live with that.

Filed under breakup still in love broken engagement sad love

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padrepiosson:

Novena to St. DymphnaSay once a day for 9 days, especially beginning on 6 May and ending on 14 May, the eve of the Feast of St. Dymphna. Day 1: For FaithO God, Source of our salvation, in the midst of a pagan people, Thou didst enlighten St. Dymphna by the light of the true faith, which she professed under the guidance of her holy confessor, Gerebran, with such constance that she suffered martyrdom. Through the intercession of these two saints, we beg Thee to strengthen the faith which Thou hast given us, so that by wisely subjecting our souls to Thy Supreme Authority, and by faithfully conforming our lives according to our faith, we may honor Thee with our whole heart and soul until the hour of our death. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times Day 2: For HopeAlmighty and infinitely good God, Thou hast promised eternal salvation to those who obey Thy commandments and make zealous use of Thy graces. Through the intercession of St. Dymphna, who fled from the danger of sin by leaving the palace of her father, and who, eager to gain eternal salvation, fled to Belgium to live in poverty, we beg Thee to grant that we also, who are striving for eternal happiness, may overcome all obstacles in the way of virtue and may attain eternal salvation. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times Day 3: For CharityGod of love, Thou art the most perfect Being, and Creator of all that is good and beautiful. Through the intercession of St. Dymphna, who in her youth loved Thee above all creatures and for Thy sake loved her neighbor as herself, as the image and likeness of Thee, as the price of the Blood of Jesus and as co-heir of heaven, be pleased to help us by Thy powerful grace, that we may faithfully fulfill the two great commandments of charity not only in word, but in action and in truth. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times Day 4: For PietyGod, Our Creator and Supreme Master, St. Dymphna served Thee with great zeal even in her childhood, by hearing Thy word with delight, by assisting at Holy Mass with fervent reverence, and by receiving Holy Communion from the hand of St. Gerebran with tender devotion. Through her intercession we beg Thee to grant us the same virtue of piety so that, having honored Thee during this life as our Creator, we may possess Thee hereafter as our final reward. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times Day 5: For PrudenceO God, ruler of the universe, Thou didst allow St. Dymphna to discover a helpful means of avoiding the evil intentions of her father. Through the merits of Thy holy servant, be pleased to grant that we may become, according to the words of Jesus, simple as doves and wise as serpents, so that through prudent advice and sound judgment we may recognize what we must do to achieve the great work of our salvation. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times Day 6: For JusticeO God, source of eternal justice, Thou didst inspire St. Dymphna to flee from her country and her father in order to render to Thee that which was Thine. Through her intercession we beg Thee to make us seek after justice so that we may perform our duties toward Thee as we ought. Though Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times Day 7: For FortitudeO God, rewarder of those who remain firm in their good resolutions, Thou gavest St. Dymphna such a love of virtue that she had the courage to suffer privation, persecution, and even martyrdom. Through her prayers we beg Thee to grant us fortitude that we may courageously and perseveringly overcome ourselves and finally conquer the enemy of our salvation. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times Day 8: For TemperanceO God, You made St. Dymphna resplendent in the virtue of temperance so that she mastered sensual inclinations and used temporal goods prudently. With temperance she combined the beautiful virtues of modesty, docility and humility. Let us not forget that humility is called the foundation of all virtue because it banishes from the soul pride, the obstacle to grace. Through the intercession of St. Dymphna, we beg Thee to guide and direct us, so that being preserved from evil and nervous disorders, we may obey till death the commandments and counsels Thou hast given us. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times Day 9: For ChastityO God, lover of innocent souls, Thou gavest St. Dymphna the virtue of angelic purity which made her reserved in all her actions, modest in her dress, attentive in her conversation, upright in her character, so that she even shed her blood to preserve this precious virtue. Through the intercession of St. Dymphna, we beg thee to bestow upon us the virtue of chastity that we may enjoy peace of conscience in this life and pure eternal joys of heaven hereafter. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times

Litany of Saint Dymphna
Lord have mercy on us. Christ have mercy on us. Lord have mercy on us. Christ hear us. Christ graciously hear us.
God the Father of Heaven, have mercy on us. God the Son, Redeemer of the World, have mercy on us. God the Holy Ghost, have mercy on us. Holy Trinity, One God, have mercy on us.
Holy Mary, Virgin Mother of God, pray for us.Health of the sick, pray for us. Comforter of the afflicted, pray for us. Our Lady, Help of Christians, pray for us.
St. Dymphna, virgin and Martyr, pray for us.St. Dymphna, daughter of royal parents, pray for us. St. Dymphna, child of great beauty of soul and body, pray for us. St. Dymphna, docile to the lessons of thy pious mother, pray for us. St. Dymphna, obedient to thy saintly confessor, pray for us. St. Dymphna, who abandoned the court of thy father father to escape the danger of impurity, pray for us. St. Dymphna, who chose a life of poverty on earth so that thou might lay up treasures in Heaven, pray for us. St. Dymphna, who sought consolation at Holy Mass, Communion and prayer, pray for us. St. Dymphna, ardent lover of the Divine Bridegroom, pray for us. St. Dymphna, devoted to the Mother of God, pray for us. St. Dymphna, beheaded by thine own father, pray for us. St. Dymphna, Martyr of holy purity, pray for us. St. Dymphna, brilliant example of Christian youth, pray for us. St. Dymphna, renowned for many miracles, pray for us. St. Dymphna, glory of Ireland and Belgium, pray for us. St. Dymphna, full of compassion for those in need, pray for us. St. Dymphna, protectress against all nervous and mental disorders, pray for us. St. Dymphna, consoler of the afflicted, pray for us. St. Dymphna, friend of the helpless, pray for us. St. Dymphna, comforter of the despondent, pray for us. St. Dymphna, light of those in mental darkness, pray for us. St. Dymphna, patroness of those who suffer with nervous and mental diseases, pray for us.
That we may love the lord our God with all our hearts and above all things, pray for us. That we may hate sin and avoid all occasion of sin, pray for us. That we may carefully preserve the virtue of purity to our state, pray for us. That we may receive the Sacraments frequently, pray for us. That we may obtain the spirit of prayer, pray for us. That we may be humble and obedient, resigning ourselves to God’s Holy Will, pray for us. That we may learn to have confidence in God during our afflictions, pray for us. That we may obtain the grace of final perseverance, pray for us.
In moments of temptation, pray for us. In times of sickness, disease, war, and persecution, pray for us. In our last illness, pray for us. And at the hour of our death, pray for us.
Lamb of God, Who takest away the sins of the world, spare us O Lord. Lamb of  God, Who takes away the sins of the world, graciously hear us O Lord. Lamb of God, Who takest away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.
Pray for us Saint Dymphna, that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.
Let us Pray: O God, since Thou didst give St. Dymphna to Thy Church as a model of all virtues, especially holy purity, and willed that she shouldst seal her faith with her innocent blood and perform numerous miracles, grant that we who honor her as patroness of those afflicted with nervous and mental illness, may continue to enjoy her powerful intercession and protection and attain eternal life. Through Christ our Lord.  Amen.
Prayer to Her for Help with Mental Illness
O Virgin and heroic Martyr, we know very little about your origin, but many have learned to invoke you and several have claimed to have been helped. It is said that you remained faithful to your Divine Bridegroom to the end, resisting the lusts of your pagan father and preferring a martyr’s death. Please intercede for _____, a mental patient, that he/she may give glory to God. Amen.

padrepiosson:

Novena to St. Dymphna
Say once a day for 9 days, especially beginning on 6 May and ending on 14 May, the eve of the Feast of St. Dymphna. 

Day 1: For Faith
O God, Source of our salvation, in the midst of a pagan people, Thou didst enlighten St. Dymphna by the light of the true faith, which she professed under the guidance of her holy confessor, Gerebran, with such constance that she suffered martyrdom. Through the intercession of these two saints, we beg Thee to strengthen the faith which Thou hast given us, so that by wisely subjecting our souls to Thy Supreme Authority, and by faithfully conforming our lives according to our faith, we may honor Thee with our whole heart and soul until the hour of our death. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. 

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times 

Day 2: For Hope
Almighty and infinitely good God, Thou hast promised eternal salvation to those who obey Thy commandments and make zealous use of Thy graces. Through the intercession of St. Dymphna, who fled from the danger of sin by leaving the palace of her father, and who, eager to gain eternal salvation, fled to Belgium to live in poverty, we beg Thee to grant that we also, who are striving for eternal happiness, may overcome all obstacles in the way of virtue and may attain eternal salvation. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. 

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times 

Day 3: For Charity
God of love, Thou art the most perfect Being, and Creator of all that is good and beautiful. Through the intercession of St. Dymphna, who in her youth loved Thee above all creatures and for Thy sake loved her neighbor as herself, as the image and likeness of Thee, as the price of the Blood of Jesus and as co-heir of heaven, be pleased to help us by Thy powerful grace, that we may faithfully fulfill the two great commandments of charity not only in word, but in action and in truth. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. 

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times 

Day 4: For Piety
God, Our Creator and Supreme Master, St. Dymphna served Thee with great zeal even in her childhood, by hearing Thy word with delight, by assisting at Holy Mass with fervent reverence, and by receiving Holy Communion from the hand of St. Gerebran with tender devotion. Through her intercession we beg Thee to grant us the same virtue of piety so that, having honored Thee during this life as our Creator, we may possess Thee hereafter as our final reward. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. 

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times 

Day 5: For Prudence
O God, ruler of the universe, Thou didst allow St. Dymphna to discover a helpful means of avoiding the evil intentions of her father. Through the merits of Thy holy servant, be pleased to grant that we may become, according to the words of Jesus, simple as doves and wise as serpents, so that through prudent advice and sound judgment we may recognize what we must do to achieve the great work of our salvation. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. 

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times 

Day 6: For Justice
O God, source of eternal justice, Thou didst inspire St. Dymphna to flee from her country and her father in order to render to Thee that which was Thine. Through her intercession we beg Thee to make us seek after justice so that we may perform our duties toward Thee as we ought. Though Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. 

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times 

Day 7: For Fortitude
O God, rewarder of those who remain firm in their good resolutions, Thou gavest St. Dymphna such a love of virtue that she had the courage to suffer privation, persecution, and even martyrdom. Through her prayers we beg Thee to grant us fortitude that we may courageously and perseveringly overcome ourselves and finally conquer the enemy of our salvation. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. 

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times 

Day 8: For Temperance
O God, You made St. Dymphna resplendent in the virtue of temperance so that she mastered sensual inclinations and used temporal goods prudently. With temperance she combined the beautiful virtues of modesty, docility and humility. Let us not forget that humility is called the foundation of all virtue because it banishes from the soul pride, the obstacle to grace. Through the intercession of St. Dymphna, we beg Thee to guide and direct us, so that being preserved from evil and nervous disorders, we may obey till death the commandments and counsels Thou hast given us. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. 

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times 

Day 9: For Chastity
O God, lover of innocent souls, Thou gavest St. Dymphna the virtue of angelic purity which made her reserved in all her actions, modest in her dress, attentive in her conversation, upright in her character, so that she even shed her blood to preserve this precious virtue. Through the intercession of St. Dymphna, we beg thee to bestow upon us the virtue of chastity that we may enjoy peace of conscience in this life and pure eternal joys of heaven hereafter. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. 

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times


Litany of Saint Dymphna

Lord have mercy on us. Christ have mercy on us. Lord have mercy on us. 
Christ hear us. Christ graciously hear us.

God the Father of Heaven, have mercy on us. 
God the Son, Redeemer of the World, have mercy on us. 
God the Holy Ghost, have mercy on us. 
Holy Trinity, One God, have mercy on us.

Holy Mary, Virgin Mother of God, pray for us.
Health of the sick, pray for us. 
Comforter of the afflicted, pray for us. 
Our Lady, Help of Christians, pray for us.

St. Dymphna, virgin and Martyr, pray for us.
St. Dymphna, daughter of royal parents, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, child of great beauty of soul and body, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, docile to the lessons of thy pious mother, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, obedient to thy saintly confessor, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, who abandoned the court of thy father father to 
escape the danger of impurity, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, who chose a life of poverty on earth so that thou might lay up treasures in Heaven, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, who sought consolation at Holy Mass, Communion and prayer, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, ardent lover of the Divine Bridegroom, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, devoted to the Mother of God, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, beheaded by thine own father, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, Martyr of holy purity, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, brilliant example of Christian youth, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, renowned for many miracles, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, glory of Ireland and Belgium, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, full of compassion for those in need, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, protectress against all nervous and mental disorders, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, consoler of the afflicted, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, friend of the helpless, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, comforter of the despondent, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, light of those in mental darkness, pray for us. 
St. Dymphna, patroness of those who suffer with nervous and mental diseases, pray for us.

That we may love the lord our God with all our hearts and above all things, pray for us. 
That we may hate sin and avoid all occasion of sin, pray for us. 
That we may carefully preserve the virtue of purity to our state, pray for us. 
That we may receive the Sacraments frequently, pray for us. 
That we may obtain the spirit of prayer, pray for us. 
That we may be humble and obedient, resigning ourselves to God’s Holy Will, pray for us. 
That we may learn to have confidence in God during our afflictions, pray for us. 
That we may obtain the grace of final perseverance, pray for us.

In moments of temptation, pray for us. 
In times of sickness, disease, war, and persecution, pray for us. 
In our last illness, pray for us. 
And at the hour of our death, pray for us.

Lamb of God, Who takest away the sins of the world, spare us O Lord. 
Lamb of  God, Who takes away the sins of the world, graciously hear us O Lord. 
Lamb of God, Who takest away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.

Pray for us Saint Dymphna, that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.

Let us Pray: O God, since Thou didst give St. Dymphna to Thy Church as a model of all virtues, especially holy purity, and willed that she shouldst seal her faith with her innocent blood and perform numerous miracles, grant that we who honor her as patroness of those afflicted with nervous and mental illness, may continue to enjoy her powerful intercession and protection and attain eternal life. Through Christ our Lord.  Amen.

Prayer to Her for Help with Mental Illness

O Virgin and heroic Martyr, we know very little about your origin, but many have learned to invoke you and several have claimed to have been helped. It is said that you remained faithful to your Divine Bridegroom to the end, resisting the lusts of your pagan father and preferring a martyr’s death. Please intercede for _____, a mental patient, that he/she may give glory to God. Amen.


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